Who'da Thunkit?

Dear Sanford-Brown College,

I only heard about your school while perusing the paid advertisements late one night in an unemployed funk. I thought you might be a little ghetto, but your commercial was way less ghetto than the Everest College commercial, so I inquired online for more information. I was called the next day, went to visit the campus the day after that, and walked out with financial aid being done for me and enrolled in college for the first time in 8 years.

Classes move quickly, which is good for the ADD in me. And you know what? Unlike the first time I attempted college at Georgia Southern University, I'm actually learning something here. I'm learning so many wonderful things and meeting a new class of people I never knew existed.

So far I have learned the following:

1. The number one thing you can do to prevent the spread of disease is washing your hands.

2. It's not the kind of soap you use, but how much lather you work up and how long you leave it on your skin. The soap does nothing to actually kill the germs. It's the lather that gets into the respiratory system of the germs, suffocating them, and causing them to die.

3. Women are more susceptible to urinary tract infections than men.

4. American women are more susceptible to urinary tract infections than women in any other country. Women in other countries wash their cha-chas with water before and use toilet paper to dry off. Using toilet paper alone does not remove urine. It just spreads it around.

5. Because we American women use urine spreading toilet paper, we are also more susceptible to the Human Papillomavirus. The urine we do not remove is a breeding ground for bacteria.

6. American babies get diaper rash more frequently because, yet again, we use wipes, and not water, to spread around urine and feces on their bums.

7. If you have severe kidney problems, you will eventually have severe heart problems. And vice versa.

8. If you're pregnant, it's a good idea to cut back on items containing phenyl. That means no french fries, no pork chops, and no hamburgers. Too much phenyl can lead to PKU (phenylketonuria, it shows up in your pee) which can make your baby mentally retarded.

9. The best way to clean your bathroom is with diluted muratic acid.

10. The normal color for your urine is dark amber. And you can still drink it, because it's 95% water, and 5% uric acid.

Ok so a list of ten things may not seem that impressive, but the information contained therein said list is priceless to me. These are things we should learn well before our twenties. The handwashing facts alone should be taught in every single kindergarten class in the country, and every toilet should be a bidet.

So, Sanford-Brown, I thank you for what I have already learned thus far, and I anticipate learning so much more. Your professors (especially Mrs. Abbott and Dr. Hussain), are wonderful and I actually look forward to going to school. So much so that I have maintained a 4.0. That fact alone coming from a girl like me should drop jaws.

I can't wait for Monday's class,

Avid Student