Road Rage in Disguise

Dear Optimus Prime,

I've been following your career for quite some time now, and let me just tell you: This girl right here? Big fan. I've been watching you and purchasing your action figures ever since I can remember. Having high morals, fighting those Decepticons for being raging assholes... Man, you seriously kick some tail!

Which brings me to why I'm writing you.

After watching you beat the ever-loving bejeezus out of giant, evil (not to mention wicked ugly) morphing robots for years and years on end, I've thought of a way both you and I could benefit from your impressive ass-kicking skills. Call it a prevention plan, if you will.

You see, human drivers have lost all sense of common courtesy when it comes to proper driving etiquette. We've got truck drivers tailgating tiny cars, people driving too slow in the fast lane, total memory loss as to what a turn signal even is, and just last night as I was driving down the highway after a long evening of school, some asshole driving behind me insisted on using his highbeams. My whole car was lit up like the glowy end of ET's finger.

I'm growing weary of the overall douchelordery on the roads, just as I'm sure you'd love a break from constantly having to beat the crap out of things. So how's about this: You be my ride for one week, and we instill a fear in drivers unlike that of which they have ever known. For example, if someone cuts us off you could just transform and grab them and then yell, "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, PUNY HUMAN??" and then not put them down until they either cry, explain themselves, or faint. I'm not asking you to hurt anybody, but hey, a few crapped pants never hurt anybody.

After one week, I bet half of the country would be too terrified to drive. This is good! Less people on the road leads to less traffic! Also, with everyone scared for their lives, morals would be at an all time high, meaning less crime, and a fat vacation for Mr. Prime.

So take your time, mull it over, weigh out the pros and cons (BTW, me getting Optimus Prime as a ride for a week = HUGE PRO), and get back to me.

No pressure,

Your #1 Fan

Concerning My Resume

Pic unrelated, but awesome.

Dear Everywhere I've Sent My Resume,

I saw your ad on Craigslist, Jobs.com, yahoo.jobs.com, Monster.com, Careerbuilder.com, INeedaFrickinJob.com, and upon reading and reviewing the job description and qualifications you had listed, thought I might be the best candidate. So I cleaned up my resume and sent that puppy in to the e-mail addresses listed.

And then I waited. Like a jaded lover, sitting by the phone, constantly checking my e-mail, just waiting to hear from the one and only you.

But did you call? No. Did you write? Oh no.

No, you just left me hangin'! What the hell, Everywhere I Sent My Resume?? What. The. Hell? I mean, I know the job market is bad. I get it, I truly do. But even I know it's a professional courtesy to at least reply with a nice, "Thank you for submitting your resume". Even if I'm not what you're looking for in an employee, it's better to tell me exactly that so I can move on to the next thing. I mean, what happened to professional courtesy these days? Did you lay that guy off, too?

All I'm sayin' is bad news is better than no news. We're all used to let downs these days, so stop trying to not hurt anyone's feelings, grow some testicular fortitude, and let a sister know one way or another.

Love and Kisses,

That girl who called you over and over again leaving you voicemail after voicemail inquiring as to whether or not you received her resume.

Who'da Thunkit?

Dear Sanford-Brown College,

I only heard about your school while perusing the paid advertisements late one night in an unemployed funk. I thought you might be a little ghetto, but your commercial was way less ghetto than the Everest College commercial, so I inquired online for more information. I was called the next day, went to visit the campus the day after that, and walked out with financial aid being done for me and enrolled in college for the first time in 8 years.

Classes move quickly, which is good for the ADD in me. And you know what? Unlike the first time I attempted college at Georgia Southern University, I'm actually learning something here. I'm learning so many wonderful things and meeting a new class of people I never knew existed.

So far I have learned the following:

1. The number one thing you can do to prevent the spread of disease is washing your hands.

2. It's not the kind of soap you use, but how much lather you work up and how long you leave it on your skin. The soap does nothing to actually kill the germs. It's the lather that gets into the respiratory system of the germs, suffocating them, and causing them to die.

3. Women are more susceptible to urinary tract infections than men.

4. American women are more susceptible to urinary tract infections than women in any other country. Women in other countries wash their cha-chas with water before and use toilet paper to dry off. Using toilet paper alone does not remove urine. It just spreads it around.

5. Because we American women use urine spreading toilet paper, we are also more susceptible to the Human Papillomavirus. The urine we do not remove is a breeding ground for bacteria.

6. American babies get diaper rash more frequently because, yet again, we use wipes, and not water, to spread around urine and feces on their bums.

7. If you have severe kidney problems, you will eventually have severe heart problems. And vice versa.

8. If you're pregnant, it's a good idea to cut back on items containing phenyl. That means no french fries, no pork chops, and no hamburgers. Too much phenyl can lead to PKU (phenylketonuria, it shows up in your pee) which can make your baby mentally retarded.

9. The best way to clean your bathroom is with diluted muratic acid.

10. The normal color for your urine is dark amber. And you can still drink it, because it's 95% water, and 5% uric acid.

Ok so a list of ten things may not seem that impressive, but the information contained therein said list is priceless to me. These are things we should learn well before our twenties. The handwashing facts alone should be taught in every single kindergarten class in the country, and every toilet should be a bidet.

So, Sanford-Brown, I thank you for what I have already learned thus far, and I anticipate learning so much more. Your professors (especially Mrs. Abbott and Dr. Hussain), are wonderful and I actually look forward to going to school. So much so that I have maintained a 4.0. That fact alone coming from a girl like me should drop jaws.

I can't wait for Monday's class,

Avid Student

Bad. Kitty.

Dear Oliver Funk,

I love you. Even when you were just a wee kitty, a mere kitten, and did not belong to me, I loved you. You were little and fluffy, super snuggly, purred like a siren, and just a beautiful, stark white feline that captured the heart of this girl. I solemnly swore that should your owners ever come to the conclusion that they just could not keep you anymore, I would gladly and with open arms fill the position.

You know that old saying, "be careful what you wish for"? I hate that saying. .

I wanted you so badly and all of a sudden, you were mine. To have and to hold. Only not in that creepy way, but in that you are my gorgeous and super sweet cat that I get to keep and win the affection of forever and ever. That day was a good day. A good day indeed.

Over the years I learned your quirks. What food you like, which toys The Funkmeister would find most enjoyable, the particular way in which you like to be petted. You're a snuggler, but not a holding kitty.

I love your quirks, because they make you, you. But you have one quirk that I swear makes me want to take you on a one way trip to PetSmart. You're a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad kitty.

You're a peer.

You pee on everything. Everything but the litter box. Why? WHHHYYY?? Oliver Funk, when i say everything, I truly mean that there is very little that I own that has not been marked by the one and only you. Couches, mattresses, curtains, pillows, blankets, sheets, clothes, coats, towels, stuffed animals... You've opened a drawer in my chest of drawers and pissed on everything contained therein. I'll admit that I was actually impressed by that, but still I was livid.

Seriously man, what's going on? I gave you your own litter box. I've taken you to the vet. I use the "No Mark" spray to spray everything but your litter box to deter you from using anything other than your litter box. I've had you for four years. This last episode, peeing on my bed in three places, is absolutely the very, very last straw. I'm far to knowledgeable in the area of "cat pee smell removal" than a human ever should be.

You have ruined so many things. I can actually feel my blood pressure rising as I type this out. Honestly, this last episode made me want to do bodily harm to you. But I refrained, because this is not the behavior of a sane person, though the opinion of my level of sanity depends greatly on the person asked. I have had you checked out by experts, and your problem is simply a behavior problem. You have no bladder issues, no kidney problems, you're just a fuck face, it seems.

So this is the deal I'm going to make with you. I'll keep you. You love being outside, and I could really care less where you pee out there. But when you come inside? Oh yes sir it is diapers and the Elizabethan collar for you, asshole. Your right to choose where you pee is officially revoked. I will choose where you pee. And that's in a diaper. I don't care if it's embarrassing. You know what's embarrassing? Having people over and discovering you've peed on the futon on which they are sitting. By the way, that is couch number three you have ruined. You're an expensive little turd.

It really is a good thing you're so pretty.

Just remember, Mommy loves you. I do, I love you so much. I can't imagine my life without you. Ok, Mommy just lied to you. I totally can. There is no pee on anything and everything always smells fresh. But who would complete my outfits with their super long white kitty fur? Who would wake me up not by meowing, but by chirping? Imagining a life without you makes me very sad. I do, Mr. Funk, I do love you so much.

But you've pissed your last piss outside of the litter box.

Love and diapers,

Mommy