Bad. Kitty.

Dear Oliver Funk,

I love you. Even when you were just a wee kitty, a mere kitten, and did not belong to me, I loved you. You were little and fluffy, super snuggly, purred like a siren, and just a beautiful, stark white feline that captured the heart of this girl. I solemnly swore that should your owners ever come to the conclusion that they just could not keep you anymore, I would gladly and with open arms fill the position.

You know that old saying, "be careful what you wish for"? I hate that saying. .

I wanted you so badly and all of a sudden, you were mine. To have and to hold. Only not in that creepy way, but in that you are my gorgeous and super sweet cat that I get to keep and win the affection of forever and ever. That day was a good day. A good day indeed.

Over the years I learned your quirks. What food you like, which toys The Funkmeister would find most enjoyable, the particular way in which you like to be petted. You're a snuggler, but not a holding kitty.

I love your quirks, because they make you, you. But you have one quirk that I swear makes me want to take you on a one way trip to PetSmart. You're a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad kitty.

You're a peer.

You pee on everything. Everything but the litter box. Why? WHHHYYY?? Oliver Funk, when i say everything, I truly mean that there is very little that I own that has not been marked by the one and only you. Couches, mattresses, curtains, pillows, blankets, sheets, clothes, coats, towels, stuffed animals... You've opened a drawer in my chest of drawers and pissed on everything contained therein. I'll admit that I was actually impressed by that, but still I was livid.

Seriously man, what's going on? I gave you your own litter box. I've taken you to the vet. I use the "No Mark" spray to spray everything but your litter box to deter you from using anything other than your litter box. I've had you for four years. This last episode, peeing on my bed in three places, is absolutely the very, very last straw. I'm far to knowledgeable in the area of "cat pee smell removal" than a human ever should be.

You have ruined so many things. I can actually feel my blood pressure rising as I type this out. Honestly, this last episode made me want to do bodily harm to you. But I refrained, because this is not the behavior of a sane person, though the opinion of my level of sanity depends greatly on the person asked. I have had you checked out by experts, and your problem is simply a behavior problem. You have no bladder issues, no kidney problems, you're just a fuck face, it seems.

So this is the deal I'm going to make with you. I'll keep you. You love being outside, and I could really care less where you pee out there. But when you come inside? Oh yes sir it is diapers and the Elizabethan collar for you, asshole. Your right to choose where you pee is officially revoked. I will choose where you pee. And that's in a diaper. I don't care if it's embarrassing. You know what's embarrassing? Having people over and discovering you've peed on the futon on which they are sitting. By the way, that is couch number three you have ruined. You're an expensive little turd.

It really is a good thing you're so pretty.

Just remember, Mommy loves you. I do, I love you so much. I can't imagine my life without you. Ok, Mommy just lied to you. I totally can. There is no pee on anything and everything always smells fresh. But who would complete my outfits with their super long white kitty fur? Who would wake me up not by meowing, but by chirping? Imagining a life without you makes me very sad. I do, Mr. Funk, I do love you so much.

But you've pissed your last piss outside of the litter box.

Love and diapers,

Mommy